Lets get started,again

That is the hardest part right?

 Hitting publish? 

Yea, I've even had one of these pages before. Didn't work out because I didn't work it.

 I'm honestly a bit frustrated with myself for not continuing back then. I can only imagine where this could be if I had.

 I kept feeling like I had to live up to some image of what I was supposed to do first. It was a seed planted in my mind a long time ago by people I don't care to mention by name. Its over now though. Like a weed, some things have to be pulled from your mind at the roots. It may be painful. You have to admit to yourself that you've been letting someone else guide you. Like a puppet on a string, always dancing. I try to cut myself some slack. After all, I am prone to allowing others to pull my strings. I like to "do well" by those I feel are superior to me, or so I'm told. This can be a blessing or a curse. Like all characteristics of ourselves it really depends on how you use it. Seems to actually do me quite well in the "work industry". Unfortunately along with physical ailments that are not yet fully diagnosed I also have mental disabilities that I have allowed to be a focal point in my reasoning to "wait for later" when it came to really putting in the work it takes to do something real with your life.

 BPD. ADHD. CPTSD-they say...just the tip of the iceberg. 

To be frank, that all sounds like a bunch of alphabet soup that doesn't do a thing to describe who I actually am or how I think. What I've been through isn't who I am.

 I am so much more and I have been granted, with a bit of irony, a voice to use; one that not all of us get. Many of us who do get it don't really know what to do with it, or use it for pointless causes. Of all my blessings this one blessing gives me a purpose and a tool. I don't plan to waste my gift. 

I plan to use my stories in many ways but after trying many of the popular methods of getting my messages out there, I found I am most comfortable with this one when it comes to internet platforms. I am very comfortable with crowds and have no problem speaking to groups of people and answering questions and such but i can't seem to get the hang of making videos and things of that nature. I know its what all the greats do these days, but I guess my brain just doesn't work that way.. I always felt I was a good writer however and with today's technology its even easier. My handwriting is shit. Arthritis doesn't help. Don't feel sorry for me. I am definitely on the upside of things these days. I tell you these things so that you can know a little bit more about the person behind the screen. 

What I fought to get to the happy home I now live in.  

As many of you know I have been writing a book. I have lots of stories. My journey all laid out in black and white. It's strange to read my work and think about selling it. The thought never felt right. It just wasn't the point. I had been trying to rationalize the idea. I had told myself I'd be using the money to help others. I was going to build a place for people to go. A safe haven. Give them food and rest and friendship. A plan. Some money. Just help them. 

It all seems so big from way back here at the beginning though. My 'start' has been three years in the making and I feel like I'm only now just really starting. 

It came to me like a bolt of lightning, what I usually call my "Gods Voice", a gut feeling that interprets quickly into exactly what I was supposed to be doing all along. I realized I have pages of stories. Ready. I have people waiting to read. I have all these other thoughts that I'm NOT putting down on paper because "they don't go with my book.".

I finally realized the ways I was holding myself back.

 So today, I will hit publish. It may be on a website that is only 1% done, but it will be published.

Over the course of the week ahead I'll be going through those stories and I'll post the ones I think are ready. I'll finish the ones I don't. 

I have spent a lot of time giving out great advise. It's time I follow some of it. 

Thank you for reading.

With Love Always,

Stephanie Marie