"Nobody cares dude"
"Nobody cares dude"
Probably the single most damaging life motto, and he repeated it regularly. The ego damaging phrase was a constant reminder to stay humble. That no one really cared about my troubles or my accomplishments, except him, of course. I know in theory that it's not true, but a small piece of me still believes it. It's not as harsh as it sounds, and when delivered properly by a loving family member it all made so much sense. It was usually said to make me feel better in his eyes. A boyfriend lost, a really bad grade on a test, an embarrassing moment, these all prompted the phrase.
The purpose was simply to remind me that in the bigger picture, my small problems would cease to matter. I still tell myself this when I have a particularly fucked up day. Unfortunately, it lead me to believe that there was no one to tell any of my problems, because they wouldn't care for the troubles of a child. I'm still not sure if that was an intentional side effect of a mastermind or not. Due to an ultimate feeling of being alone I bottled up a lot, and then in a teary turn of events, I really found God again. Now if you don't believe in God that's fine and all, just understand that I do, at least I believe in a, Power of the Universe, to be more direct. If what other people believe in bothers you, well..."Nobody cares dude".
I have no plans to turn this story into a testimony to God, but He was an important part of my journey. Even if there was no one there listening, it gave me a friend who couldn't betray me. Strange, as I write this I am dealing with the pain of yet another lost friend. I kept reaching a hand out to help and opening my heart to her and the moment I became un-useful, well, she was gone faster than snow on the ground in Louisiana. Pretty much the story of my life. I do have a few amazing people however, that have stuck through it all. I give them credit for keeping me from giving up completely on the idea that humans were inherently good. They do not have gremlins in their pockets, they are not all monsters masked with beautiful smiles and fake skin. They remind me everyday that even though I will always meet trolls under bridges along my journey, there are genuine people in the world. They remind me he was wrong, someone does care. My problems may not mean much when weighed against the world, and sometimes I need to know that too, but someone does care.
I put in a call today to an old friend. Ok, an old agent and friend. I had a question to run by him about doing some public speaking at a local church. Group therapy type thing. The main topics, being less than extraordinary, aren't worth adding but he did say one thing that stood out. He said,
"Steph, you have been through unimaginable things-"
He continued on with some sweet sentiment about strength and courage which, by the way, always baffles me but that one part struck me. The harsh reality is- It's not unimaginable. Every single thing I have experienced there is another woman out there that has been there, felt that same pain, or worse. They not only can imagine but they can remember. They understand all the reasons. They know that it's not hate and anger that put you in these places the most often, its love. Love makes you wait. Love makes you try again. Love makes you forgive the unforgivable. Not hate. Hate doesn't have that power.
These types of conversations bring so many thoughts to my mind. I tell myself that other people have been through so much worse. Then I think over all the things I actually have been through, well not really think of them but flashes of their existence in my past flash into my soul and I can feel it all over again. I would push them out for the longest. Anything to make it stop. That didn't help them to go away. I had to start facing them.
Because, somebody cares dude, they really do.