"Walking with a Dream"
We had just finished the latest of our fights. I was crushed by words and fear. He was supposed to be my friend, "for always". Now I just felt so stuck. I had nowhere to go and knew if I made a move the world would hear of it. I wanted to do so many things and I was starting to feel like I never would. I was also beginning to wonder if I was even going to be alive in 5 years to care about a "5 Year plan". Thoughts you shouldn't have to have as a woman in her very early 30s with no life-threatening illnesses. As I sat there, on the familiar bathroom floor, and I had this daydream. I had walked into my bedroom closet, grabbed my go-bag, and a few random things. I snuck out the back door and I began to walk. Just walk towards the countryside. I always figured I'd end up heading to someplace like Colorado. Even if I was homeless I would have the most beautiful part of the world sifting between my toes as I walked. I felt warmth as I imagined the light of God's love moving through the veins of the mother and filling me with life. A small smile reached my lips.
I knew it was possible. I sat there, lighting another cigarette, contemplating how I could make it work, and maybe even have some fun doing it. No one actually looks too closely at other people. Not when they conform, blend in with all the other cookie cutters. I can blend, I blend very well actually. Change up my look a bit I could just become the next missing person on a list. I thought of finding a little cave somewhere next to a creek and ways that I could live without being seen. Maybe that little creek. Maybe I'd just find a treetop. Life of a ghost. All the tricks and tips and lessons my father had taught me. He spent years teaching me how to move through the woods and use all the tools the earth and its occupants had to offer. I knew I could make it.
Then I snapped back into what was my depressing reality.
I giggled to myself as I thought over the odds of me actually surviving such an adventure and not being found. As I smiled I realized that I could just walk away from all of it if I wanted. There's a certain amount of comfort in that. I didn't want to be broken. I didn't accept it. I never had before. I was angry that I ever let myself accept running away as an option. It was just as cowardly as the other option I had decided against. I had children, a mother, a few very good friends. My life had been hard, to say the least, but I had held on to a few beautiful things. I thought of how many other women were in the same position, I knew I didn't have it as bad as some, especially not these days. These days are far from the days of that house back in Texas.
I began to step back, and plan. That thing us Capricorns do best. Thinking logically, I just wanted to start rebuilding my life the way I wanted it. If I was willing to walk away from it all, I was officially at the end of my rope. I won’t say that I didn't break down and cry a few million times along the way to rebuilding, but I realized that it was possible to feel the pain of what had happened and also heal from it at the same time. I realized I was more angry than hurt, I'm still angry, it's just different now. I have my best thoughts when I'm angry though, let's just call it passionate, because that's the truth of it isn't it? When we care about something enough to be angry about it we have found passion. I know how many women have been sitting on the bathroom floor. You might be hiding in one now. If you are, by the way, get the fuck up. You deserve better than that. I wasn't broken because I decided I wasn't. It wasn't easy, to be honest, I felt like a fraud through a lot of it. I was willing to wear a fake smile while I found my real one though.
I had made a choice and I moved on. I took a little time to myself. I hit rock bottom a few more times. I hit the bottom of a few bottles too. I don't recommend that part. It was messy and it's hard as hell, but once you wash and then dry out those eyes a bit, you start to see a little more clearly. You remember that you are still a person, and just being a person is still pretty great. People have so much to offer. I knew I had a lot to offer. I couldn't just sit in my misery. Not going to lie it was tempting to just hide away, instead however I had this idea, & I called it,